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Journal :: May 2004 << previous || archive || next >>

1 de Maio, sábado Passei grande parte do dia a escrever. De manhã levantei-me, liguei o mac e ia ver uns sites mas deu erro de rede. Então abri uma história que tinha começado á noite, há alguns meses. Li do princípio e depois continuei a escrever. Normalmente só tenho ideias para princípios e depois não sei o que fazer a seguir. Mas esta está mais ou menos toda na cabecinha e foi só resolver alguns problemas, como 'o que é que faz este personagem chegar a esta conclusão'. Não tenho pretensões absolutamente nenhumas a nível literário. Mas acredito em tentar fazer qualquer coisa criativa pelo menos uma vez. Só para mim, sem pressões nem necessidade de aprovação. Só porque me diverte. Aliás, não sei se era capaz de mostrar aquilo a alguém. Nem ao Pedro :) Mas foi bom. Ultimamente tenho andado um bocado em baixo e isto deu-me uma certa energia que já estava a precisar. Uma vontade de fazer qualquer coisa que eu tinha medo de ter desaparecido. Só devo voltar a pegar nisto daqui a uns meses mas já serviu o seu propósito. ^ Top

2 de Maio, domingo De manhã estive a fazer manutenção. Sou como um carro. De vez em quando tenho que ir à revisão, mudar o óleo, etc :) Depois, da depilação, descoloração e outras torturas múltiplas, vesti-me e fui com o Pedro para o fórum. Não há nada pior do que ir para um centro comercial ao domingo, mas enfim. Ainda tentei ir por umas fotos a revelar mas estava uma tipa à minha frente que nunca mais se calava e acabei por desistir. Fui então ter à Portugália onde tinha combinado o encontro com o Paulo e a Elsa. Eles chegaram pouco tempo depois com o Daniel que fez hoje dois meses. Já está maior mas ainda é muito pequenino :) Estava a dormir profundamente no carrinho e só acordou quando nos sentámos à mesa. Pelos vistos só está bem em movimento. Mas portou-se muito bem. Depois do almoço lá fui por as fotos a fazer mas só ficam prontas amanhã. Seca. Depois fomos ver o Kill Bill parte 2. É a continuação lógica da primeira parte, apesar de ser bastante menos sangrento ao ponto de não morrer ninguém durante hora e meia. Ah, pois, porque tem duas horas e meia, claro :) Mas isso não me incomodou. Gosto de filmes longos. Quanto mais tempo estiver dentro do filme mais interessante fica. Excepto se for um filme chato, claro. Tipo os do Kevin Costner :P ^ Top

3 de Maio, segunda Mais uma segunda feira daquelas... Acordo nervosa e passo o dia com o olho a tremer. É um dos meus sintomas de aviso de stress e das coisas mais irritantes à face da terra. De manhã fui depositar uns cheques e enviar correio. Depois fiz uns templates, respondia mail e adiei as coisas chatas mesmo até ao fim. Especialmente um email particularmente difícil de escrever. Dificil principalmente porque é para uma pessoa que tem o hábito de interpretar mal tudo aquilo que digo. E o que tenho que dizer não é muito simpático para começar. É daquelas situações em que um cliente está a abusar, a pedir coisas que não estão previstas mas sem querer pagar mais por isso e ainda fica com um ar insultado se se diz alguma coisa. É o tipo de coisa que me faz querer desistir disto tudo e ir plantar batatas. Almocei ao computador porque já não tenho nada para ver. Não posso continuar a rever episódios da Buffy para todo o sempre e ainda não chegou nenhum filme novo da Blue Planet. Então estive a ver sites e a tentar não pensar muito. Há dias em que pensar faz-me mal. Estou com vontade de continuar a escrever a minha historinha mas se me ponho a fazer essas coisas durante o horário de trabalho fico cheia de sentimentos de culpa. Não devia, mas fico. Passei a tarde a ouvir o Mule Variations do Tom Waits. Estava-me mesmo a apetecer. O Tom Waits é um daqueles tipos que considero verdadeiramente originais. Consegue pegar numa série de estilos musicais diferentes, que já montes de gente fez, e transformá-los numa coisa que só podia mesmo ser Tom Waits. É claro que a voz ajuda, mas não é só isso. É uma energia muito particular. ^ Top

11.05.2004 (tue) My Chance DVD arrived today! yes! The signed poster was all bent but I don't really care because I just wanted the movie anyway. It was a bit expensive but I'm at that stage where I don't really care what stuff costs if I have to have it. It's a dangerous state, but there it is. I watched it at lunch. It's a little over an hour, so it didn't take up much of my oh-so-precious time. Not that I had anything important to do, but I still feel bad if I'm away from the bad machine for too long. The movie is ok. I didn't particularly like the musical scenes which made me want to fast forward, but the rest was ok. It's very much like a home movie and the actors aren't always believable but it has some very sweet scenes. I also liked the sub-plot about Chance's parents. Some of the scenes were quite funny. I felt parts of it needed more development but it made me laugh so in the end i have to say I liked it. ^ Top

12.05.2004 (wed) I've joined a couple of Forums. Basically I'm home alone all day and the isolation was starting to get to me. And despite the occasional ICQ messaging, I needed to find a place to just go nuts. And I love reading other people's reactions to stuff I also like. So I joined the JMF and the GotR Forum, which is less fun because they have way too many rules and are always slapping people on the wrist in order to keep the drooling in check, but it has nice info and it does make sense to be polite since the band members may read the stuff. I like two of the new songs quite a bit. Have no clue what they're about yet but they sound much friendlier than the ones on the first album, which is quite noisy. Noisy is also good - NIN is noisy at times and I love it, but JM goes out of tune a lot when the sound goes up. He has a nice voice but not much control over it. I understand cause I know how tough it is to scream in tune, but still... I just make music in my living room. They actually sell records and have sold out gigs, so they have a certain obligation to be better than me :) I also could not help myself and had another internet shopping spree. I bought a Spike doll, which seems to looks great. I also wanted Buffy and Angel but it was way too expensive to get them all, so I went ahead with the primary obsession and see to the rest later on if I still feel it's worth it. The doll seems to be sold out in the US but I found it on Forbidden Planet. Since I already bought the Chance DVD from there and it arrived ok, I took the chance of ordering from them again. Then I went back to the JMF and went nuts posting Spike screen caps on a very profound thread to illustrate a point about about the infamous sock. Please don't ask. At night I watched a bit more of the Prince concert in Vegas which I had started a few night ago. Prince may not be the superstar he was a few years ago but he's still good and still fun to watch. Too bad there isn't a new album a year anymore, but I guess nobody could keep that up forever. Maybe it means he doesn't have insomnia anymore. ^ Top

13.05.2004 (thu) I feel a big rant coming on. read at own risk. To tell the truth I don't really care. I just have to write. Another day wasted, reading other people's thoughts and feelings about things that shouldn't matter. Don't know how I feel about that. I just know that I need it right now. It fills the void. But it also pulls me further away from reality. I think I need a new work to pull me back. I don't know. So what completely useless information did I learn today, I hear you ask? I read the lyrics to Bad and Runaway, which I found a lot more personal than I would have expected. Had fun reading what everyone had to say about them but didn't feel comfortable enough to add anything. I guess in the end I'm a watcher. If I actually post anything I get nervous and keep going back to see if anyone replied and if it was good or bad. I don't get that here so much, although I have stopped talking about personal stuff for a while. I felt like everyone knew who I was and that took the fun out of things. But I'm taking it back. I don't care if it's too exposed. If I start protecting myself, like I have lately, this is pointless. I may as well stop or just write for myself. But there's always a part of me that actually hopes no one reads any of this. That once the novelty wears out people will just go away and leave me to my demons. It's not nice being stared at and commented on all the time. Which is why I've never added comments to the site :) If people started to actually have conversations about all this it would freak me out and influence me even further. I guess this kind of site is the closest thing a lot of people ever get to celebrity. But it's the down side of celebrity. It's the part where people think they know you cause they read what you say and feel they understand you and need to tell you the story of their life. But really it's just as fake as reading all of Brad Pitt's interviews and think 'I know this guy. And if he could only see how much we have in common we would be happy ever after.' It's just that usually, when people write to me and say 'I think we have lots of things in common' I generally don't see it. There are exceptions, obviously, and it is nice to meet people sometimes that I wouldn't get the chance to, but rule number one is - I'm not a 'people person'. I will sooner hide under the bed than meet someone new. Because getting to know people takes work and it's all about chemistry and whether you actually click or not. And I'm not talking about romantic relationships. With most people I just see right through them and it's rare that I find someone I actually connect with. And if you don't connect, then it's all yellow smiles and the urge to flee. Which is nobody's fault, but it's still there. Anyway, enough of that. This is just one of those days... I've been getting a lot of those lately. I feel like I'm a teenager again, all oily skin and emotions out of control. I thought all that was over, and frankly I was happy to be rid of it. But on the other hand I know I had been quite sedate lately. For a while the only strong emotion I had was anger, and then not even that. I feel like I've been asleep for age and now I woke up and am bloody starving! But it's all consuming and it feels out of control. And I'm a control freak. I had my life all planned out since i was 12. Well, sort of. I've been adding to it. But it has all been according to the plan. And now I'm having all these feelings and suddenly I'm scared shitless and can't go through with what I had set out to do. Like, I don't want to have a kid. I really, passionately don't. It's been freaking me out. I've been desperately trying to find a way out of it that would be easy and that wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings but I couldn't. So I just had to come out and say it. It's just not in me. Don't know if it will ever be. And the rest is still confusing but there's a lot I'm not too happy with. Some I can do something about and some I can't. Good thing I have a very understanding husband. In the end, if I had to go through all this alone I don't know what kind of shape I'd be in. I probably would have gone ahead with the mad plan of emptying the bank account and fleeing the country. Just to see if it would work out. The people who actually know me, know this about me. I'm not happy here. But I was never brave enough to leave, so I can't complain about it. Well, I do complain about it, but I don't take myself seriously. Aaaaaaaaaahhhh! It feels good to just rant and not care if people find it boring or not. I missed it and it makes me feel so much better! I have to do it more often. New movie arrived today. 3 to be exact. Nothing special though. I miss having one those movies I really want to see! There hasn't been one in a long while. A Tori Amos DVD is finally coming out this month, which I'm thrilled about. It's about time too. I've been waiting for years! And one of these days I'm going to lose my head, by a plane ticket to the States and go see her live. It's one of those things on my 'do before i die' list. Which now also includes going to a Buffy Con, but that could blow over and in a couple of months I may not even remember it anymore. I'm sure hubby would approve me passing that one up, especially since I haven't even admitted to his face I'd like to go to one of those :P But I'm sure he knows already :) And nice hubby will be bringing home a CD with JMs episode in Andromeda. It's good to have something to watch when I'm on obsessive mode. It's so much more fun than when you're just feeling 'whatever'. It's like Christmas when you're ten :) ^ Top

14.05.2004 (fri) Had some work today. Nothing big but it kept me busy. And the site I've been working on for the last couple of months is now officially online. I was feeling much better today. I got up in the morning full of energy and ideas and I was actually able to get stuff done. I don't know if the mood will last but it feels good while it does. I'm also planning on redesigning the site. Don't know yet if it will be a big change or a small one. The problem with a big redesign is that the site is getting too big to change everything page by page. Last time I already did a lot with CSS, so i can change the colors and the text size with no hassle, but other than that I'm still rather limited unless I can afford to waste a big chunk of my time. And that would just suck all the energy out of me, so I don't thing I will. I'll probably just change the top and maybe make a couple of themes so I can switch from time to time. I also want to change the gallery a bit. The list is too boring and the themes aren't clear. I just couldn't be bothered. And besides, the first pictures now seem way too small, so I may rescan a few, remove others and finally add some new ones. I can't believe I haven't put up my London pictures yet! So I was all ready to start on all this but then I had work to keep me busy the whole day and didn't get around to it. I just hope the energy lasts. At lunch I saw the Andromeda episode Pedro got for me. It was ok but the actors aren't very good. And I guess I'm not a big Sci Fi fan, so that doesn't help. Although I did like Farscape. I thought that one was quite good. But at least I have one less thing to be curious about. At night we went to dinner at my in laws. I ate meat for the fist time in over a month. They had chicken for dinner and I didn't want to be impolite. But it felt weird. ^ Top

15.05.2004 (sat) I woke up with loud music from one of the neighbors again. It's been like this every morning. Pedro got up and went to check where it was coming from - it was two floors down! And it felt like it was coming from next door. That's REALLY loud. And it seems to be always the same damn thing. It never changes. It actually sounds like it's always the same song, which I guess it isn't, but that's what it feels like. For hours! I have got to put money together and buy a piece of land and build my own house. I already know what I want it to look like - internal patio, roman style, extremely tall walls all around so no one can look in, a curvy path from the gate to the house so that you can't see it from the road, and I'd probably add electrified fences just in case. I have no problems with being a prisoner in my own house as long as it's a nice house. Which reminds me of the Eddie Izzard house arrest sketch. 'House arrest? You mean I just stay here? Ok... Got any videos?' So I got up and turned the computer on. The idea was to work on the site but it seems I have to scan pictures first. Which for some reason I can only do on the Mac. So I'm going to do that now and maybe watch a movie. There's nothing more boring than scanning pictures without a movie on. It's like watching paint dry. I watched the movie Auto Focus. I had it on my list because of Willem Dafoe, who is one of my favorite actors (ok, so I have a lot of favorite actors). I don't usually like biography movies but this one wasn't bad. The characters and their journey sounded plausible. It's interesting the way the image of the film changes as you go along. It starts of with shiny colors and by the end it's all muddy colors and weird camera angles. But it's all very subtle and used to tell the story rather than show off so don't necessarily pay attention to all that. Then I came back to work on the site. It's coming along but there's still a lot to be done. I made a few different tops, to change according to mood, and simplified the menu. Now I have to take one section at a time until it all looks like I want it to. The gallery and Portfolio are halfway there already but I haven't started putting anything online yet. ^ Top

15.05.2004 (sun) After a little house work, I went out at around lunch time for a stroll in the park. I was sick of being stuck at home and the weather is getting so warm and friendly that it's depressing to be home. But then I end up feeling that it's too hot outside and want to come back home. I guess I never know what I want. But it was nice to be outside for a bit. When I came back I watered the plants, grabbed my book and sat down on the rocking chair, with the windows wide open, until I finished it. Then I started the next one. I'm waiting for the Harry Dresden audio books which will go nicely after Harry Poter (part of the reason they're apparently changing Dresden's name to 'Eric' on the planned TV series - they seem to think people will be confused if you have two wizards called Harry. Doesn't matter that the style is completely different. Eric always reminds me of Terry Pratchet somehow.) At night we watched Ghosts of Mars, the John Carpenter movie. It was ok. ^ Top

17.05.2004 (mon) I just had the day from hell. It's one of those days where everything seems to go wrong and you just wish you had stayed in bed. As usually on mondays I got up feeling nervous. I big chunk of my work lately involves all those little annoying but necessary things that I hate to do. So I was already thinking about all that even before I woke up. I was supposed to have a meeting in the morning but it got canceled. Or rather, it was postponed until tomorrow. And the meeting I thought I wouldn't have in the afternoon ended up getting scheduled. Then I got urgent work - the kind that has to be online today. And I know I can't do it because i have to get ready to leave. So I start getting ready for the meeting but don't have a way to get there as it is an hour away and I don't drive. I called my mother and she was kind enough to agree to take me on her way to work. So I did the most i could of the urgent work and got ready to leave. Got all the work onto the laptop, got some money on the way cause I might have to get a cab on the way back and went to meet my mother. I also had a map, which wasn't very good, but along with some directions they gave me on the phone was enough to get us there with no problem. But it was far and in the middle of nowhere. I had to wait because I arrived half an hour early. The person i've been in communication with throughout the work is a really nice guy but then I met his boss. I cannot express how rude and obnoxious this person was. The meeting was perfectly ludicrous. My work is complete but they insist that it should include a backend, which the first version of the estimate did include but they thought it was too expensive and started to remove stuff until we got to the version they approved. So they misread the estimate and either didn't realize what they were approving or they just thought I was going to give in and throw in the whole programming for free. Either way, it now seems like they don't want to pay for the work i've been doing for the last 5 months and i'm starting to think this won't get resolved without getting lawyers in, which I don't really want to do. I feel I have been able to defuse a much more serious situation before the people were reasonable and interested enough in solving things. But this person just wanted to scream at me (although she did not have the courage to look me in the eye while doing so) when it's her fault she didn't read the thing and was working from a previous version of the work description. I kept my cool and tried to explain everything but there was really nothing more I could say. The meeting didn't last long and the 'boss' walked out halfway through it in a 'I'll have the last word' attitude. But due to the time it took me to get there and back I lost the whole afternoon because some woman can't read. Then a security woman was really nice and showed me where the bus station was and assured me the bus was going to the central station where I could get the next one. And so it was. The second bus, however, only left at four thirty, which meant i had to wait around for half an hour. I went to a little coffee shop and got some water and something to eat, since I didn't have time to have any lunch. I got home at five thirty. I called Pedro and told him what happened. He was shocked, as would be expected. Then I accidentally knocked over a glass. After picking up the pieces and checking if the cats weren't trying to eat any (they're such stupid animals, sometimes) I finally went back to work, trying to make up time after this incredibly stupid day. I was done by 8. Pedro got home at 9 and he helped me with the one thing I hadn't been able to finish (some stuff about flash I still can't figure out by myself) and I got it done and put it online. But that was another hour gone. Then we ate and watched an episode of 24. I'm really enjoying the show. It has a movie feel and I like the whole 'real time' thing. And although I much prefer Donald Sutherland, I like Kiefer as well. ^ Top

18.05.2004 (tue) Today I felt like the universe was trying to balance out the shitty day I had yesterday. My audio books finally arrived and although I had to pay customs it wasn't as much as I had feared. Plus we got a check in the mail which is always good news. It's not for me personally, but it always makes me feel better when someone pays for work I was actually involved in :) I also got some work to do, but nothing too complicated and i managed to get through almost everything before I left for the meeting. My brother picked me up at half past two and we got there at three. The meeting took three hours but it was friendly and it always takes longer because there is a certain amount of chit-chat involved. But it's good to have a happy customer, although i'm very aware that the happiness is due more to my brother's work than to mine. Design work doesn't get a lot of respect and is usually treated as an extra. Function is everything. but it doesn't bother me because the site really is working very well and if it also looks nice I'm sure it's a plus. When we got back from the meeting I went over to my brother's new office. Construction is over and it looks great. It does look like they spent an amazing amount of money on it. Hopefully they'll stay there long enough to enjoy it :) Then he brought me home and I went to work on a couple of things I hadn't managed to finish in the morning plus the notes I got from the meeting. I listened to a bit of Storm Front while I worked but it didn't go too well. Whenever I had to concentrate I'd miss a bit of the story. But I did like the text, from what I heard, and I like the fact that JM gives different characters specific voices instead of sounding the same throughout. But I'm going to find time to listen to it more carefully in order to really appreciate the story and the little quirks of the text, which I found really funny. I still wasn't done working by the time Pedro got home but finished in time for dinner. We watched a couple more episodes of 24 and then I came to update the site. I won't be doing much more before the weekend. Hubby's trying to convince me to experiment with CSS and try to do the layout without any tables. Might be fun and I certainly need to explore more in that direction, but I need time and patience for that. Since I'm not quite sure about the red layout so I'm switching to another one. I did a few so I could change according to mood :) ^ Top

19.05.2004 (wed) In the morning I had to take care of some bureaucracy related to the company. But it didn't take as long as I had feared. I was done in little more than an hour. I stopped at the comics store to see if they had gotten hold of the forth Sandman collection like I had asked but they didn't. I'll give it another week and then have to decide where to order it from. On the way back home I noticed how I almost didn't cross anyone under sixty on the street. Which I guess makes sense because everyone else it at work, but it made me realize just how many older people the city has, cause the streets are crowded! During the afternoon I did a lot of little things. I have a notebook where i write down all the tasks I need to do because my memory isn't exactly what it used to and i tend to forget. So it's very fulfilling to be able to cross out a lot of stuff in one day :) Tomorrow I have more phone calls to make, which always gives me butterflies. I hate doing that. But it has to be done because otherwise I can wait forever before anyone remembers I'm waiting for them to send me stuff, or give a reply, or whatever. After seven I took a tour of the forums and found new pictures, which is always nice. Nothing like new pics to avoid withdrawal :) Then I went shopping, had dinner and watched another episode of 24. Next is 9 AM I think. ^ Top

20.05.2004 (thu) I really hate it when the first thing I'm forced to do in the morning in clean up cat vomit from the kitchen floor. And my cats seems to be artistic as well. Either that or vomiting from high places is a catolympic event. I seem to have a pro, either way. Then I went over to my parents' place because I needed a prescription. I'm going back on the pill. I've chickened out of trying to get pregnant. It was giving me anxiety attacks. I'm just not cut out for being a mother. Everyone kept trying to convince me that I'd change my mind and i went along with it for a while but it just doesn't feel right. All I can say is that it's a good thing I managed to figure that out before it was too late. I hate the guy that works at the drugstore. He's creepy and is always trying to make conversation and ends up making these really rude remarks. But he was there today and I didn't feel like doubling back. I'm usually very nice to people in stores because, although this country is not service oriented, if you smile first and act polite then they feel like they need to reciprocate. In fact I'm doing what the person behind the counter should do but they're usually underpaid and couldn't care less, so they don't. Lately stores have started hiring people on commission, which does make them try harder, but I find that a very sadistic way to make people behave nicely. Anyway, being nice doesn't cost me anything so I always try. But this guy (at the drugstore, in case my ranting got you off track) seems to take it as a sign that he can flirt all he want. He actually looked at my boobs when I walked in! I mean, ok, so I've got nice boobs, but he's doing a job and that is just plain disrespectful! So I didn't smile much, avoided eye contact and tried to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. He actually had the nerve to ask me if I was feeling ok. Unbelievable! I came home and did some cleaning up before getting back to work. Later in the day I did a little more work on the photo section of the site but there's still a lot more to be done before i can put it online. Then I read for a bit, taking in the late afternoon air. I need to get a garden, but it's not easy when you live on the 8th floor. I do what I can. At least it looks like my orchid will bloom in a month or so, so that will be nice. I was afraid it might die after the cats attacked it and made all the flowers fall off. It's such a fragile little thing. I went to bed a bit worried about one of the cats. She kept vomiting, going to the litter box, not being able to do anything, going back to bed, vomiting again. I'll have to see how she is in the morning. ^ Top

21.05.2004 (fri) The older cat kept vomiting last night. This morning she wasn't looking better so I took her to the vet. I got some medication for her, which includes valium to see if she starts eating better. She weighs half as much as the other females. I went to the drugstore again, which wasn't as bad as yesterday, and then managed to give her the medication. I'm not sure I'll be able to do it 3 times a day by myself, but we'll see. People usually have problems with their cats becoming too fat. But not me, oh no! I had to have an anorexic cat... Work today involves making a new page for a website and optimizing a bunch of photos. It's not terribly exciting but it's just right for the mood I'm in. I don't think I could concentrate on anything too demanding today. ^ Top

22.05.2004 (sat) Hubby was out for the day so I had the place to myself. I read, listened to Zero 7 and played the piano. I hadn't played in a while and it felt really good. I never can tell how long it's been when I'm playing. Well, unless I'm practicing, which is hell and ten minutes feel like hours. But practicing and playing are two different things. Playing is the fun part, when you feel like you more or less know what you're doing already and can actually get into it and enjoy yourself. And my voice seemed to be fairly decent lately, despite the lack of practice. I also watched 'Ripley's Game'. It wasn't as bad as the first Ripley adaptation but Malkovitch is a bit old for the part. I really hated the first movie. They ruined so much! And I loved the books, so I was actually looking forward to it. I don't think a movie has to follow the book completely. It's impossible and in some ways it doesn't work, but I do expect the spirit of it to be there somehow. I've seen some really good adaptations (well, Lord of the Rings is the ultimate example) so I know it's possible. I guess it just takes the right kind of sensibility. But Ripley's Game wasn't bad. It's less psychological and more action packed but it was ok. They did kill a guy that didn't die in the book and changed Jonathan's wife's name for some reason, but what the hell. ^ Top

23.05.2004 (sun) I spent most of the day reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It's going much faster than the last one - I'm halfway through it already. Apart from that I watched a few more episodes of 24. I think I'm up to 5.00 PM now. It's still interesting but they seem to be going through all the cliches for tv shows - pregnancy, amnesia, and I'll bet there will be someone in a coma soon! ^ Top

24.05.2004 (mon) The day was looking dark and rainy this morning but by six o'clock it was back to being sunny again. I had to do my usual rounds to the bank and post office this morning, but managed to stay dry. The sky was just giving out attitude but no actual rain. Work kept me busy all day, with lots of little things to do. Some of them I wish I didn't have to do - like ruining a perfectly good layout because a client insists bigger is better - and didn't manage to finish one thing that I was absolutely confident it would be a piece of cake. Some days you just can't tell. I've been suffering from low self-esteem lately. Partially because I've gained a bit of weight again and partially because when I look at recent pictures of myself I can't help thinking 'this isn't me! I'm getting old!'. I never thought age would bother me, but I always had this fantasy about aging gracefully. Unfortunately I do not have the bone structure to do that and so I'll just end up with a multitude of chins (regardless of weight). It's depressing. I know it's shallow and all that but it isn't a beauty thing so much as I feel I don't look like me anymore. I'm starting to not recognize my own face in the mirror. I'm only 30 - I didn't expect that to happen so soon! Normally I would dye my hair as a desperate attempt to change my image and boost self-esteem, but this time I don't feel that's such a good idea. I am, however, letting it grow again, but it's taking forever. And it isn't either straight nor curly, so I never know what to do with it anyway. On the upside, my wrist didn't hurt as much today, even though I was at the computer the whole day. That was good. It was hurting like hell all weekend. The stuff I have ordered still hasn't arrived and I'm starting to get impatient about that. That's the worst thing about internet shopping - you always have to wait! Around 7 PM the cat was asking for food but wouldn't eat anything. So I decided to try the medication. The vet had recommended that we try giving the cat some valium to make her eat. And it worked. But I was a little concerned because as soon as she started to eat she also lost control of her motor functions and I had to hold her up. After that I took her to the bed but she wouldn't stay. She ended up falling asleep on my lap with one eye open. That's one stoned cat :) But at least she seems ok. We went shopping and when we came back she was still asleep. I wonder how long it'll last... The thing is, we're supposed to give her half a pill everyday, but I think it may be too much. I'm going to try a quarter instead. ^ Top

25.05.2004 (tue) My downstairs neighbor started with the loud music at 8 AM today. I could kill the bastard! I didn't get much work done today. I was too sleepy, so I just did the management and accountancy stuff. In the afternoon I updated 2 of my fansites. I guess I either take the time to do some updates or I may as well just delete them again. Hubby spent some time trying to convince me that we should get a couple of bikes to go out and exercise. It might be fun but I don't see us doing that much. In the end I think i'm too lazy. not to mention how expensive it is to get two decent bikes... I did an IQ test that Pedro sent me. I got 135. I think I had already taken one but I'm not sure it was the same one. But the result had been similar, I believe. This never means anything to me, though, as I have no reference to compare :) I gave the cat the valium for the second time but it didn't work. She skipped the whole being hungry part and jumped right into being sleepy. ^ Top

26.05.2004 (wed) I decided to get up earlier today to avoid wanting to kill my music-playing neighbor. I took a shower and listened to disc 3 of Storm Front. Then I worked for a bit. At lunchtime my brother came over to borrow a pie plate. He's going to try and make my cheesecake recipe. Good luck :) I watched a bit of Buffy and exercised. I've finally surrendered to the fact that I won't look any better unless I start to exercise a bit. I hate it but am running out of excuses not to do it. After lunch I decided to take advantage of the fact that my cat was still a bit groggy from the Valium and gave her a bath. She didn't even try to bite, which is unique. But she's still not eating much. At 6.30 I decided to update the site a bit more. I finally got the nerve to finish revamping the photo section and adding some pictures from the trips to London and Milan. My right wrist is hurting again from holding on to the mouse in an uncomfortable position all day and so I don't think I'll be doing any more photo optimizing for a bit unless someone is paying me to. I still have about 200 pictures of Milan that I haven't even bothered to go through yet, much less have them printed or posted here. I've realized that the older pictures look too damn small now (blame the 1280x960 resolution) so I started making the new ones larger. ^ Top

27.05.2004 (thu) I feel asleep rather late last night. Pedro has been coming home at around 9 PM and so I haven't been seeing much of him lately. So last night we felt we needed to talk for a bit and try and be a couple again because otherwise it just becomes two strangers sharing a house. So I was pretty trashed when I woke up at seven this morning (I can't even imagine how he must be feeling today...). I eventually got up but have been feeling like going back to bed the whole day. The cat ate today - the pill does seem to work, it just takes longer than I thought. But then she refused to fall asleep, and even though she couldn't stand, she insisted in leaping up to the sewing machine for better sunshine exposure. She's really stupid sometimes! It's a good thing I caught her in time... I'm quite happy because my plants seem to be thriving lately. The rosebush my mother gave me about a month ago in in bloom and the orchid seems to be developing fast as well. The ferns are positively wilde and threatening to take over everywhere. I wouldn't be surprised to find them invading neighboring pots. Damn. I need to get a real garden... I met my parents for tea at six. It's been a while since we'd done that. My mother brought me a rather exotic flower from her garden. No idea what it's called, though. Hubby finally arrived at around 10 PM (later and later each night - enough to consider quitting job) and we went out to buy my father's birthday present. I wish it was something more original, but you can't have everything. I also bought a new top and we got a mat so we can finally have a place to do crunches that's not the sofa (which actually works in a 'I'm being lazy but exercising at the same time' kind of way). ^ Top

28.05.2004 (fri) The day was dull. I didn't have much work to do, just a couple of updates, so I took the time to tidy-up the place. At lunch time I watched the episode Grosse Point from the show Northern Exposure (JM plays a priest in it). I remember the show but I never actually watched it because it was on at 2 AM or something. The episode was fun and easy to watch because it was a stand-alone. Since it was about returning home to see the family, it didn't need back story. I liked JM's character because he was even more shy and nerdy than even William the Bloody Awful Poet. The idea of the priest that can't stand it when people start telling him their problems is really funny. At night I went to dinner with my parents. It's my father's birthday today. We went out to the usual chinese restaurant and my brother took his new girlfriend. My parents (well, my father especially, had been extremely curious to meet her). Hubby didn't make it because he had to work late yet again. ^ Top

29.05.2004 (sat) In the morning we took the cats to the vet for their yearly shots. We came back with special food and other stuff to try and fatten up our anorectic kitty. Then I watched the movie Tuck Everlasting, which is nothing much, while doing my nails. In the afternoon we went to the airport to pick up my in-laws who were returning from South America. It seems the trip went well but now we have to wait for the photos. We came home and had a very late lunch and watched the last 2 episodes of 24. I read a bit more of the Harry Potter book and then I took a long bubble bath and listened to disc 4 of Storm Front. It's great. I love reading in the tub but I always have a hard time keeping my hands and book dry. Like this I can just relax and still have the story. At night it's also nice but as I fall asleep my dreams get mixed up with what I'm hearing and it gets a bit weird :) ^ Top

30.05.2004 (sun) I woke up early with the loud music again. I dragged myself to the living-room trying to decide if I should just go on with my life or murder the neighbor with a baseball bat. I ended up settling on breakfast and a movie. I watched 'The Dangerous lives of Altar Boys'. It wasn't at all what I had expected but I liked it. I felt it depicted adolescence, and the way everything feels too much and too out of control, quite well. The girl was the only character I didn't quite get, but since the story is told from the boys point of view, maybe it even makes sense. I thought the character of Kieran Culkin was very moving. He came across as a sensitive boy, deep down, who just didn't have a chance to blossom because he was basically alone in the world. Then I did some house work, browsed some websites and checked the forum for new posts, exercised for a bit, cooked dinner and watched 'Hollywood Ending'. It has some really funny lines although I can't remember any of them anymore :P ^ Top

31.05.2004 (mon) Being completely fed up with noise from the neighbors, today I decided to buy ear-plugs. Apparently there are several kinds to choose from so I bought a couple of each. Now I'll finally be able to sleep undisturbed :) The workday wasn't bad. i took care of a lot of little things that had to be done. At night we went food shopping, like we do every week. Hubby fell asleep as soon as he hit the pillow and I listened to a bit more 'Storm Front'. ^ Top