Dee's Life

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Journal :: Março 2006

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01.03.2006 (qua)

Passei o dia a reler as transcrições dos registos e a inserir pormenores nas páginas respeitantes a cada pessoa. Dá imenso trabalho mas vai avançando lentamente. Mesmo assim só consegui chegar à letra J, pelo que todas as Marias e Manueis ficam para amanhã.

À noite vimos mais um episódio do Nip/Tuck e fiz mais umas linhas do tapete que é mais um hobby que avança muito lentamente e talvez esteja pronto daqui a uns dez anos, com sorte.
Pode-se dizer que é uma forma de treinar a paciência. Uma das minhas características mais irritantes é que sou incapaz de deixar coisas a meio. Começo imensos projectos diferentes, porque isso me diverte, mas assim que estão começados começo a entrar num modo obsessivo e só penso em acabar o que comecei. Transformo aquilo que deveria ser divertido numa obrigação e acabo por nem conseguir gozar o processo. Por isso, começar algo que já sei à partida que vai demorar muito tempo a terminar é uma forma de me obrigar aprender a lidar com isso e ter mais calma. Infelizmente, acho que não está a funcionar. Já consigo aceitar que algo não vai ficar acabado mas passei a dividir o processo total em partes que consiga terminar. Mais uma linha do tapete, encontrar mais um registo, etc. Mas é uma forma mais realista de encarar o processo, focando a atenção em pequenas batalhas que são conquistáveis em vez do total impossível que só causa frustração.

02.03.2006 (qui)

Tenho andado com muito pouca vontade de escrever, mas hoje decidi pôr isto em dia. Na verdade não tenho grande coisa a dizer e não me apetece começar a queixar-me outra vez.

Descobri recentemente que tenho o mesmo aniversário do meu bisavô Manuel do Carmo, assim como o Pedro tem o mesmo aniversário da avó materna. Vão-se descobrindo pormores interessantes à medida que se vai avançando.

De tarde tenho que ir ao correio buscar um pacote da Amazon com as duas séries que me faltam de X-Files e a mini-série o Farscape. Ainda em que já chegou porque já vou a meio da série 4 do X-files e não me apetecia ficar à espera da 5 para continuar.

04.03.2006 (sab)

Fui almoçar com os meus pais e depois tive uma visita da Carla. Já não nos encontrávamos deste dezembro por isso, apesar do mau tempo, fizemos um esforço por não deixar passar deste fim de semana. A Carla é a única pessoa fora da minha família com quem tenho tido ao longo dos anos uma relação próxima e com quem posso falar de qualquer coisa. As outras relações que tenho mantido com pessoas são geralmente muito superficiais, daquelas em que quando nos perguntam se está tudo bem a resposta tem de ser invariavelmente sim porque no fundo não querem saber as coisas más nem eu os quero chatear com isso e acabo por me afastar quando não sou capaz de fingir que estou feliz.
Estivemos a trocar história de viagem e depois fomos beber um chocolate quente. Ela ofereceu-me mais um snow globe (já começo a ter uma colecção interessante, mesmo sem os que já se partiram) e uma boneca de papel que comprou no museu do traje de Barcelona. Tive imediatamente flashbacks de infância. Acho que sou capaz de ter brincado com uma muito parecida quando era pequena.

08.03.2006 (qua)

Saiu finalmente o novo album da Fiona Apple, que estava pronto há imenso tempo mas graças às politicas internas das editoras que só pensam em dinheiro, nunca mais era lançado. Tenho andado a ouvir e até agora gosto bastante. A minha perferida é a primeira, Extraordinary Machine, que dá nome ao album. Gostei logo assim que comecei a ouvir.
A segunda parece ter sobrado do album anterior porque tem o mesmo tipo de ritmo do Fast as You can. A terceira é o single e uma música típica da Fiona Apple. Daí para a frente ainda não as distingo muito bem porque não ouvi vezes suficientes mas não ouvi nada que detestasse de imediato, por isso é capaz de ser o album que vou andar a ouvir durante o próximo mês.
Também comprei recentemente o novo da Kate Bush mas não gostei. Não que seja mau mas comecei a ficar deprimida e desisti. Tenho de tentar outra vez um dia destes em que esteja a sentir-me menos vulneravel.

10.03.2006 (fri)

We had to do some shopping today so we took the opportunity to have dinner with some friends. It was fun but I got a bit freaked when the conversation turned to music in terms of 'so why don't you try and do some concerts or something?' It's something that scares me to death usually, mostly because I'm crap. Plus I'm used to people ignoring the fact that I make songs occasionally. It's not something that comes up in conversation. Ever. Since I treat it as a hobby rather than a failed attempt at a music career, I'm actually fine with that. So to have someone ask about it and then expect an actual explanation as to why I never tried to do anything with it, it left me a bit lost.
Later, when we all went over to our place and I was more or less asked to play something, I think I did the worst job of it I possibly could. Don't know why except that I don't normally feel very good playing with people around. It's not just the technique that goes down the toilet, it's my whole memory. Suddenly I can't remember a single note, even things I've been playing for years.
Not that it matters, but I wish I could figure out why it matters. It really shouldn't.

I have played and sung for people in the past and it was fine but it was usually in situations where I knew what I was going to do, I had practiced a bit and the people listening didn't really care much anyway, which always makes me safe :)
And I know it's normal to feel weird playing or singing for people. It feels exposed and you feel like you have to apologise for every mistake. To the point where my own husband won't sing in front of me because he's afraid I'll laugh. And what I think is that he should get over it because sometimes it would be useful to have a male voice on some of the songs. At least I try. I know I'm going to fuck up, I can't do it, but I try.

11.03.2006 (sat)

I had nightmares again. The kind where I wake up in bed and the covers are full of some dark web-like substance that sticks to my hands when I touch it and I can't get it off, and a couple of really large flying bugs buzzing around the room. I can't possibly explain the complete panic of insects that I have to make this description even slightly disturbing but I can tell you I have shivers just thinking about it. I think maybe I've been watching too many X-Files.

Because I was feeling so low hubby decided I needed shock treatment and got me to drive around for a while. We went to the park and then to do some shopping. I drove there and back and it was fine. It seems I'm finally getting used to the car.

12.03.2006 (sun)

The highlight of the day was the cleaning of the bathroom. Oh joy!

13.03.2006 (mon)

For the first time in years I woke up on a monday without feeling like the world was about to end. I spent the day playing and trying out all the new glitter pens and colourful papers I bought recently, trying to figure out what to do with it all, and it felt good.

There's still a big gap in me that I can't fill but I'm trying to carry on living my life without feeling like I don't deserve to be happy. It's not easy to shake it off but I have to.
I still avoid people with children, something I haven't been able to come to terms with. I'm going to try and face it for the first time next weekend because there are family birthday parties I can't or don't want to get out of. We'll see how it goes.

At night we went out to celebrate my brother's 31st birthday. It was just a family dinner followed by a completely inedible cake but it was fun.

14.03.2006 (tue)

I'm completely addicted to Fiona Apple's new album. It was certainly worth the wait. The first song is still my favourite but 'Window' is catching up.

I've also been listening to Placebo's new album, Meds, and it's been growing on me. I think I like it better than the last one which left me a bit cold. The single, however is, in my opinion, one of the less interesting songs. Don't know why they'd pick that one.

I've also been playing the piano a bit more. It's part of the new and improved me. Since finally figuring out what's keeping me stressed and stopping me from doing what I like I'm trying on a different attitude. So far it's going well, but it's only been a couple of days and I didn't have any fires to put out yet.
So I've been doing what I like with no guilt. It may seem normal to most people but to me it's a first.

I'm almost at the end of season 6 of the X-Files. I'm not sure if I still saw season 7 or if that's where I gave up. I can't believe they still went on for two more seasons without Mulder. It's like Buffy the Vampire Slayer with no Buffy.

15.03.2006 (wed)

One more session at the dentist today. I'm getting sick of having holes drilled into me. Hopefully it will be over in two or three weeks.

At night we went out to buy a birthday present and cat food and then came home for a very late dinner and an episode of Lost.

17.03.2006 (fri)

I'm starting to write lyrics again. For a long time I didn't know what else to write and now suddenly I find myself waking up in the morning, brushing my teeth and having to go get a pen and paper to write something down. Sometimes it's a sentence other times just an idea for a song. Occasionally, if I'm really lucky, it comes with a melody. Usually it just comes with the notion of what kind of son it's going to become.
I find the whole process fascinating and weird. I don't feel like I have much control over it. Stuff just pops into my head along with the irresistible urge to write it down, to not let it escape. There's some hard work after that, obviously, trying to make sense out of it all and turning it into something that I can bear listening to, but the first spark always feels sort of magical.
It's good that I'm starting a new creative period because I haven't done anything in so long. It's usually like that. I get too concerned with day to day life and I feel like I have nothing new to say. But this past week I've been feeling more relaxed, been spending my days playing the piano, listening to new music and watching the x-files and I guess it was enough to clear the noise in my head and let some new ideas in.

18.03.2006 (sat)

Weird day surrounded by people.
It was my father-in-law's birthday today so we went over for lunch. These lunches are lasting longer each time. Everyone just sits around the table talking for the longest time instead of moving on to the living room and after a couple of hours I start feeling like my legs don't really work anymore.
But it was fun, as it usually is, and I got a few more notes about the family history.

Around six we went home for a bit, feeling very sleepy. But there was no point in trying to sleep. So we did what we usually do when we're home on weekends, watched a bit of TV, played computer games and waited till it was time to leave again.

The we drove over to my brother's house for dinner. Everyone was already there, sitting at the table.
I wasn't sure I should go because I knew lots of people would be there with their kids, but I felt it was about time I tried. It was as weird, awkward and uncomfortable as I feared. We ended up spending the whole evening in the kitchen, away from everybody except a couple of friends we've known for ages. Whenever I tried moving around to other areas I felt out of place, like people were staring at me not knowing what to say.
It may be complete paranoia but I feel like I'm cursed now, like people won't let their children near me in case something happens to them. It's stupid but I think there's a protective thing parents have where they don't care if it makes sense or not, it's better to be safe.
I'm probably being extremely unfair but that's the vibe I got out of some people.
P. escaped outside when it got too much for him. My brother started asking for him and I realised he was gone and knew why so I got worried about him and went out looking for him. He'd been taking a walk but was coming back toward the house when I found him.
A couple of people wanted to try out the car so we went for a drive with me in the passenger seat explaining how the thing works. Then our friend Paco decided to take his daughter for a ride and got lost in the maze of identical looking streets. Good thing he had his cell phone with him or we may have never seen him again :)

19.03.2006 (sun)

It's my grandmother's birthday today so we went to my aunt's house for lunch. The whole family was there, apart from my brother, and it felt a bit weird to be surrounded by all those kids but not as bad as I feared.

My cousin's wife K. was the only one who acknowledged how we must have been feeling and I felt grateful for that. I don't want the attention but it also feels fake to spend all our time pretending like nothing happened just to make other people comfortable.

20.03.2006 (mon)

I started working on another song today. It's not exactly a new song. It's something I had in a tape recorder and had forgotten about. It's my medieval balad :)

My first instinct was to make it accapella but I don't think I can pull it off so I've made some very simple backing for it. Now I just have to find the right sounds.

21.03.2006 (tue)

Sometime during the night, probably due to a blocked nose, my right ear got blocked, like it was under pressure and I spent the whole day not hearing very well and not being able to do anything about it.

Around mid-afternoon I met my mother for tea and she checked my ear. She said there was nothing she could see, no inflamation or damage to the ear drum so it should go away by itself. I certainly hope it does because it's really weird to spend the whole day hearing sounds like you're under water.

22.03.2006 (wed)

I got up feeling nervous and, as it turns out, I had work to do. It's like I can feel it.

The construction work that's going on upstairs is slowly driving me insane. Today they were tearing down a wall. I'd hear the hammering followed by what sounded like large chunks of the wall falling to the floor.

Had another dentist appointment in the afternoon but it was pretty fast. Two more weeks and I should be done.

23.03.2006 (thu)

Our cleaning lady showed up today after two weeks absence. She had dropped something heavy on her foot and didn't fracture anything but still had to stay home for a few days till the swelling went down. I'm glad it wasn't serious.

I took the opportunity to do a little clean up myself, gathering lots of cables and putting them all in a box so I know where they are. They're usually on the bookshelves or on the living room table and it always looks messy.

I know we've got lots of crap just stored away somewhere but I never have enough patience to go through it all and sort out what I can throw away. I wish I could hire someone to do that for me.

I received an email from a woman who just lost her child, just like I did, at the end of term. It's so horrible to know that other people go though this all the time, how many cases there are. It seems such a stupid thing, so against nature, to just lose a perfectly healthy baby just before it's ready to be born, to go through all those tests and physical changes and get so attached to this child that never even gets the chance to see daylight. I guess for a while I felt that since it's so statistically rare, that from a cosmic point of view, my baby had died so that others could live, almost like for a while the world would be safe from such a thing happening again. I know it makes no sense, but that's how I felt. It's so sad to know for sure it's not true.
And I'm sorry to know someone else will have o go through the horrible months I've just been though.
I hadn't cried in a while but I cried today.

29.03.2006 (wed)

I was tortured by my dentist today. Really tortured. He decided to drill into my gums for half an hour without giving me anything for the pain. I had tears streaming down my face and was trying to sink through the chair to get away from it all but it didn't work. Damn solid objects. I was bleeding for a really long time after that and don't think I can use the left side of my mouth anymore. I can't wait for it to be over so that I may never set foot in a dentist's office again (or until I break another tooth, whichever comes first).
Sadistic bastards.

30.03.2006 (thu)

With the constant noise around me, from neighbours and the cleaning lady, I couldn't concentrate on anything for long enough. So I did something odd: I sat down and started writing a story. It may seem weird to be able to write anything with all the confusion but it was quite easy. I just retreated into my head and was able to ignore everything else. I think that's why I've kept this journal for so long. When I'm writing nothing can get to me. I'm not a good writer, nor do I intend to be, but it's nice to have something that allows me to concentrate with no effort.

31.03.2006 (fri)

My neighbours started sanding their floors today. And since this is important information I thought I should share with the world how their redecorating is going.

I'm sick of it. I'm surrounded by people with hammers and other noise-making instruments, every day, all day. There are two apartments being remodeled at the moment, one upstairs and one right next door. And, because they feel the regular noise isn't enough, they do it with the front door open so they can take turns going out to the stairwell and shout at each other.
I feel I haven't been able to complete a thought for three days.