[an error occurred while processing this directive]

Journal :: April 2006 << previous || archive || next >>

10.04.2006 (mon) I didn't have a particularly good day today. That's hardly news for a monday, but I've been feeling better lately so I didn't expect it. Things between me and P. were a bit off this weekend, so that may be part of it. I'm also feeling bad about the car again, how terrible a driver I am and how it was probably a really stupid idea to buy a car for me. I've realised that my brain seems to have bypassed the death of my child and continues to think as if I actually had one. The car thing was one of those glitches: it was so I could drive the baby to the doctor or whatever when I was home alone. And somehow I didn't catch it in time, how useless the whole thing is now. I still walk everywhere and the car just sits there, making me feel guilty. ^ Top

11.04.2006 (tue) I've been really unhappy about my job for quite some time now. And because I was pregnant and then not pregnant anymore but not in a mental state to deal with people, I pretty much stopped accepting new work. There's more to it, obviously, but that's the bottom line really. The other difficulties I could have gotten around if I really wanted to. So I haven't had any new work for months. And even though it was a good thing mentally because it allowed me to heal and start feeling more like myself again, I'm starting to run out of money and have to start earning a living again. However, the thought of going back to the same old thing makes me cringe. For a while now I've been trying to come up with an alternative. It's been difficult because, even though I love doing lots of different things, I doubt anyone will pay me to do them. I finally settled on something a few weeks back. Basically I want to turn my many hobbies into a business. It may fail but it may work and I'll never know until I try. I just came to the conclusion that even though the stuff I like to do won't save the whales or end world hunger it's still a skill and it seems wasteful not to try and do something with it. I started to fear that I would wake up one day, 70 years old, looking at my arthritic hands, cursing a life spent at the computer and deeply regretting never doing anything I might actually enjoy. So I started doing some drawings and ended up with some cute animals I can make dolls out of. I've also been doing greeting cards and plan on making some handmade jewelry if I get around to it. Right now I'm starting small and taking it one day at a time and one piece at a time. I did a really cute bunny today. I started with a monkey and then moved on to bear, penguin, cat... So the dolls seem to be going well. But I'm starting to feel that I need to get the rest of the operation going. I have to design the website and get it running, even in experimental mode, before solving the legal and financial details, something that won't be done till June. ^ Top

12.04.2006 (wed) Spent most of the day doing a polar bear. Around 5 PM I finally ate something (probably my last meal for a while) and got ready for the dentist. It was my last appointment. My second implant is done. But it's hurting like mad. I can stand a lot of pain. I can take a headache for a week and not complain, but tooth ache I can't stand. But I'm sure I'll be better by tomorrow. To get my mind of the pain I did another doll. It turned out pretty small, though. I have to make a larger version of it, that can be used as a pillow. When I was getting ready for bed I remembered I had left my computer uploading this online store software to the server and I had completely forgotten about it. It was stuck on a message asking how to send some file it didn't recognise, so it took another hour to upload the rest of the stuff. When it was done I tried following the steps to configure it but it gave me an error related to the database. Since it was almost three in the morning I gave up. I'll try again some other time. ^ Top

13.04.2006 (thu) I woke up late today and had some work waiting for me. The dull non-stressing kind, thankfully. I was done by 4 PM. I have to try installing the software again today and see if I can figure out what I did wrong. ^ Top