Dee's Life

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Journal :: January 2005

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03.01.2005 (mon)

It's the beginning of a New Year and, as usual, that means everyone comes back to work feverishly active, which means I was bombarded with work requests from clients today.
By the end of the day my shoulder was hurting so much I don't even know how I'm going to endure another day like this.

05.01.2005 (wed)

Another work filled day. Like yesterday, I was unable to do anything else besides work. My shoulder's killing me and to add to the total agony I decided to start a diet today. I'm start thinking 'hunger is your friend' whenever I feel like I may cave in. As Prince puts it 'I'd rather be hungry than fat'. I doubt I'll make it but I just have to wait and see.

At night we went shopping and I was so tired I just wanted to come home again but, as per usual, it's impossible to take less than two hours. I'm starting to hate shopping.
But I did buy a DVD of Placebo videos so it wasn't a complete loss :)

I'm still reading American Psycho (damn long book) and it had been OK so far but now it's starting to gross me out a bit. I just read a chapter where he's torturing a woman and I was desperate for it to be over. That is not a head you want to be in for too long. And this is the kind of book where you don't need a drop of imagination to see exactly what's going on.

06.01.2004 (thu)

Another busy day but fortunately I was finally able to catch up with all the work and not leave anything hanging for tomorrow. And I still managed to do some management work as well so my to do list got a lot shorter today.

I've gone back to doing my rug again but the design I had picked doesn't agree with our present colour scheme so I'm patiently undoing everything and starting over. It will take months before I can begin again.

At night I watched the Placebo videos DVD and did some sit ups before finally giving in and having some salad for dinner.

07.01.2005 (fri)

I got up at 8.30 and opened all the doors to make sure I hear the doorbell this time. The fedex guy arrived at about 10.30.

It's now day 3 of my diet and it's going well enough. I'm still not entirely used to being hungry and I need to exercise my arms more but I'm starting to feel I may be able to stick to it for a while. At least what I'm eating is healthy, even if it isn't much of it and I'm exercising a bit, which is more than I've done on previous attempts. The older I get the more I have to work at it I guess.

I had work waiting for me when I sat down and more of it kept coming in during the morning. But hopefully I won't be swamped today cause I'm going out to dinner and I need time to shower and do my nails.

At night hubby got home and we went to dinner. I finally met most of his co-workers, of whom I'd heard a lot about. They all seemed very nice and I tried my best to act normal but I'm never comfortable around a lot of people and especially people I've never met before, so I'm sure I must have put on my protective layer and acted a bit loud and obnoxious.
The food was very good and I would have no complaints at all about the restaurant if it wasn't for the amount of smoke that accumulated in the room and the cockroach on the wall - never a nice site in a restaurant. But it's set in a really nice place, even though it was tough to figure out how to leave because it opens onto a gated courtyard and when we left the gates were already closed.

10.01.2005 (mon)

Today I started preparing a website to receive another backend section. The programming is done and I just have to make changes to the templates and add all the info to the database but it's more work than it seems. Hopefully I'll be able to finish it by tomorrow.

11.01.2005 (tue)

Today was a mess. Lots of work from all fronts. I had to continue what I started yesterday and which took me until 9 PM to finish plus regular changes to websites that came in during the day and tons of phone calls that completely break my concentration.

On the upside I totally forgot to eat today and the diet seems to be going well :)
I'm really tired, though, and at night I still had to go shopping.
Hubby was home sick today but I didn't even get to see him much because I was barely able to get up from my chair except for a little while around 2.30 when I had to go to the bank and post office. Some movies I bought arrived today but I have no idea when I'll have the time to see them :P

12.01.2004 (wed)

The day was a bit less busy than yesterday but still stressful because it involved correcting some stuff, creating email accounts and explaining to the client how to use them and so on.
Also I'm sick of phones. I feel like drowning mine on days like today. I had 2 and 3 people calling me at the same time - just kept hearing the call waiting beep but couldn't do anything about it.

My mother did her last test today and it seems she won't need a pacemaker after all. And since medication is also not advised because of her low blood pressure, it looks like she can't do much more than try not to stress too much, eat at regular intervals, drink plenty of fluids and hope for the best. Nothing like modern medicine :)

13.01.2005 (thu)

I'm having a really terrible day.
Apart from the usual work that keeps coming in every 5 minutes I had 2 different clients complaining today, which is always unpleasant. One was because my brother forgot to get back to him - something that I cringe at but have no control over because I didn't oversee that part of the project - and the other because the date on the new stuff we've just implemented was backwards - month/day instead of the other way round. Although I understand that it can be confusing and that they were getting complaints from clients, I don't think it's something important enough to get that worked up about. They've just gotten too used to having things done in 5 minutes so if 24 hours go by they just pick up the phone and scream.
And I shouldn't care so much but it really gets to me because I know the amount of work that goes into all this and the quality of the finished product and feel that it isn't even appreciated. Especially since I don't charge them for half of the billions of changes to the site they send every single day and that get done in minutes. I'm thinking that's gonna change. If I have to put up with abuse then at least I should be well paid for it.
To top it all I now have a meeting scheduled. It's fine but I don't really know what I'm going to be there for exactly, so it's also a bit stressing.

14.01.2005 (fri)

I got up at 6.30 and did a home pregnancy test. I'm about a week late but, because it hasn't become completely clockwork since I've been off the pill, I felt maybe it was just another normal delay. So my stomach turned when the test was positive. I really felt like I was going to vomit, from chock. I'm not sure I'm ready for this, but it's a bit late to turn back now. I woke Pedro up and we stayed in bed talking until he had to get ready for work.
Now he's gone, I had another annoyed email from the client that complained yesterday and I'm freaking out. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore and am just trying to concentrate on not panicking. It's going to be a long day....
I don't want to tell anyone until I can go do proper tests cause I know a lot can happen in the first trimester.
I'm not sure how to handle it yet. I can't say I'm feeling happy. I'm just nervous. I'm still waiting for something to click so it makes sense. I hope it comes, eventually.
But Pedro's happy, so I guess that counts for something.

I called my mother and talked for a while. She was very calm about it, as I expected, and it helped to calm me down a bit. Then I called my father and Pedro told his parents, but always with the note to not spread the news for now. I want to do the exams and make sure everything's fine before telling everyone.

At six I had tea with my parents and we talked some more. Then I came back home and worked till 8 PM.

15.01.2005 (sat)

I felt like going out today but hubby was installing updates on the computers so I didn't.
Instead I finished reading American Psycho. I don't know if it's because my hormones are kicking in or what but I had a really tough time reading the last 150 pages. The torture is a little too imaginative and detailed and it got to a point where I was almost afraid to turn a page. How can anyone spend enough time in the head of such a character to be able to write a book like this?
But I didn't hate the book. It was actually interesting and funny at parts. It's just that it gets too much after a while.

My inlaws came over later in the afternoon and I was slightly freaked out about how apparently I have to do a lot more stuff than I thought I would, like needing a doctor's visit once a month instead of once every trimester like I thought. I hate tests and I hate it even more when I don't have an accurate idea of what's going to happen. But I guess I'll find out soon enough :P

We finally went out for a bit at night and although I'm trying to avoid the whole baby issue for now, we ended up going into a store and looking at baby car-seats :)
Then we had dinner and spent a long time discussing names. It's tough but we narrowed it down to a couple for each gender.

16.01.2005 (sun)

I stayed home today and rested. In the afternoon Pedro and me played Myst and made brownies.
I have a cold that's been plaguing me for a week now and doesn't seem to go away. At night I start developing this really irritating cough and between that and the blocked nose it's been really difficult to get a good night sleep. Last night I woke up maybe 10 or 15 times and drank two full glasses of water because having my throat dry makes me cough more. I guess this is related to the pregnancy in a way - the immune system goes down a bit so that the body doesn't reject the embryo - but it makes it harder to take because I can't do any medication now.

17.01.2005 (mon) - 6 weeks

I got up early and hubby drove me to the clinic so I could do all the necessary tests. It'll take two weeks to know the results and then one more week before my first doctor's appointment. I hate drawing blood but it wasn't too bad. It was pretty quick and I didn't feel sick or anything.
Then I had to walk home which would have been pleasant if it wasn't so damn cold.

Work has been slow so far today and I hope it stays that way cause I don't feel very energetic. Actually I've been feeling really tired lately. Last week was pretty stressful and I just want a quiet couple of days to recover.

18.01.2005 (tue)

I spent the whole day coughing and feeling pretty awful. It gets really exhausting after a while. In the afternoon the layout for the homepage of a site I'm working on was finally approved and I did the internal page layout. I didn't feel like it much but just decided to start and see how much I could do and was able to finish it. Not bad considering how I'm feeling.

I also went to the social security office to get some information I need but after waiting for half an hour I left more confused than when I arrived. I don't think the woman who spoke to me knew what the hell she was talking about.

19.01.2005 (wed)

I felt really tired the whole day. I still can't breathe properly and I'm still coughing a lot, even though it was a little better than yesterday.
The funny thing is that it takes me forever to figure out that I'm feeling so tired because I'm ill. My first thought is always that I'm just being lazy and should snap out of it. Quite honestly I don't think anyone could ever be harder on me than I am on myself. Which is why working from home is not a complete disaster - I actually do everything on time and even sooner if I can.
It's exhausting being me, worrying all the time. I wish I could just relax a bit more...

So I took a break in the afternoon and tried to rest for a bit but wasn't very successful. I went back to work till 6.30 and nearly finished the html and CSS for a new site I've been working on that just got approved. They still need to approve the internal page layout but I decided to move things along and start the html for the homepage anyway.

At 7PM the coughing became more severe and stayed that way for the rest of the evening. It got to a point where I couldn't breathe in without coughing. And since I can't take anything I'm going to have to put up with it for who knows how long.

My body is starting to change and it's making the pregnancy seem more real to me. I'm still having a hard time dealing with it because, as far as I can tell, nothing's really changed. So it's been more about having a cold and stuff like that that being pregnant.
As time goes by it becomes harder not to tell people, though. I know I still have a couple of weeks to do in which anything can happen but I really believe it'll be fine. I know Pedro would be devastated if anything went wrong. He has become very attached to the idea of having a kid very fast.
And me? I'm still taking it easy. It's going to take so very long for anything to happen that I can't spend every waking moment thinking about it. I have the protective instinct pretty active though. I just hope the emotional side will kick in eventually.

20.01.2005 (thu)

The nausea continues. It's still not too bad but enough to keep me uncomfortable pretty much all the time. Maybe it would be better to just throw up and get it over with.
The main difference is that I have to eat more often. I'm resisting a bit and eating very little each time because I don't want to gain a lot of weight, but it's difficult because I start feeling sick whenever I get hungry.
The good thing is that I can't eat any sweets. Just thinking about it makes nauseous.

I fell asleep on the sofa at lunch time and then ate an apple while I waited for pizza. I was REALLY HUNGRY!

I did some more work on the html I started yesterday and then took a break and watched a Neil Gaiman webcast from a reading he did last year. He read bits from his new book, Anansi Boys, and it seems really good and funny. It's just so great when you like the work of a writer or musician and suddenly you have something new to look forward to that you KNOW you're going to love.

Which reminds me - the fact that Fiona Apple's new album has been completed since May 2003 and Sony has refused to release it makes me sick. I can't believe how much the music industry has become exclusively about money. But it's true and a lot of artists recognise this and a lot more suffer from this curse. I remember an interview with Placebo in which they said that if they were starting off now they wouldn't get a record deal because of how much it has changed. The people running the record companies now are just guys with business degrees and no knowledge of music whatsoever. It's really pathetic and repulsive.
And still music related, it seems Kate Bush is finally releasing a new album - more than 10 years after the last one. I thought she had given up or something :)

21.01.2005 (fri)

I think I have another cold, overlapping with the old one. Am I ever going to be healthy again? I'm starting to doubt it.
Last night I couldn't stop coughing and ended up having to go to the living room for over an hour until it stopped so I could let hubby rest. I was getting to a 'shoot me now' stage at around 2 AM but then it eventually stopped.

Today the lovely Rita introduced me to Charlotte Martin and I became an instant fan. Her music has a lot in common with Tori Amos and Kate Bush and has that whole voice/piano thing that I love. It's almost like listening to a new cool Tori album now that Tori stopped doing decent songs. And as soon as she sings the title and first line to 'Every time it rains' you can't help thinking of 'Running Up that Hill' (partly because she sings it with the exact same cadence as Kate).
And I was truly surprised because I don't generally like music this quickly. I usually have to listen to something a few times before it hits me. Some of the songs are fairly ordinary but there are also some really good ones.

22.01.2005 (sat)

I spent the whole day feeling incredibly tired. I don't remember ever being like this before. I could barely keep my eyes open and didn't have the energy to do anything at all.
I'd also like to strangle the person that came up with the term 'morning sickness'. I wish that was it but unfortunately it lasts the whole damn day. I started taking some pills today that may help but it'll probably take a few days to kick in.

Hubby was working on the songs so I did a couple of voice takes, despite the cold, just so he can have a voice track to guide him with the rest.

Around 9 PM hubby went over to his parents' flat to watch a football game and I fell asleep on the sofa. I woke up around eleven and dragged myself to bed. I didn't even have the energy to read!

23.01.2005 (sun)

I woke up at 7 but couldn't get up. I ended up staying in bed till after ten when I had to go eat something. But I eventually went back to bed for a while till noon.

We went shopping in the afternoon because I felt like chocolate cake and hubby has been indulging me a bit too much these days.

Later we played Myst but the game is getting boring. There's lots of walking around and looking at bits of video and not enough puzzles to solve. The only times we actually get stuck is when there's a lever that's impossible to see because it's black against a black background or something - you know what you have to do but you can't find the damn thing. Is that what passes for raising the difficulty level in games now? I was looking forward to using my brain like in the previous games! It's beautiful to look at but really disappointing.

24.01.2005 (mon) - 7 weeks

It's bloody freezing again! And it seems that the temperature will be going down even further during the week. If only it would snow here I'd be happy, but no such luck.

I had the meeting from hell this afternoon. Well, actually it wasn't that bad but it was extremely long and gave me plenty to think about. I'm supposed to start developing a new website which was meant to be easy enough but now has all sorts of problem inducing things thrown in, like menus in layers and other such crap that I hate to do. It's going to be bumpy, I can tell.

When the meeting finally ended, at 7 PM, I got on the subway and met hubby outside his office before returning home.

25.01.2005 (tue)

Work was slow today so I spent some time trying to figure out how to work some of the harder stuff I'll have to do for this new website. I found a few solutions but it looks like it's going to be difficult finding something that'll work on all browsers.

And for my faithful following of three people and a dog I've added a new song to the music section. It's still a demo, very much under construction but it's starting to sound like we want it to. You can check it out here. The voice is completely temporary and recorded during my cold so it's even more nasal than usual but it's enough to get the idea.

26.01.2005 (wed)

The fist piece of furniture for my doll house arrived today. It's a four-poster bed and it's so big that it almost takes up the entire room. I had to remove the ceiling lamp from that room and will probably have to install a wall lamp instead.
The doll, however, disappointed me. The face looks nothing like the picture on the catalogue. It's quite frustrating, really. I chose that one especially because it had the prettiest face. I almost felt like returning it.

27.01.2005 (thu)

The nausea was particularly bad today and it had a powerful headache to keep it company. I also felt really tired and sluggish all day and had to rest for a bit in the afternoon.
When I got up it was to schedule yet another meeting for next monday, something I really wish I could avoid, especially since it's the day I'm supposed to pick up my test results.
This new project is started to be a bloody mess and not at all what I had anticipated. I have a bad feeling about it, actually. I feel I'm getting sucked into something way beyond my control.

30.01.2005 (sun)

I saw The Machinist today and really liked it. It's not 'fantastic! I must tell everyone I know to go see it' but it's a good, interesting and unpretentious movie.
The whole time I was watching it I kept thinking 'I hope they don't ruin it at the end' and they didn't, so that was great. It's the kind of movie that sometimes gets ruined by the 'it was all a dream after all' ending and I would have been terribly disappointed if that had been the case. It would also have been a bit stupid for an actor to lose all that weight for a story that was crap. So I guess it's a movie for people who like psychological thrillers and little quirky movies like Memento for example.

I had a hard time during the movie, however because I was thirsty and ran out of water and after an hour I really had to pee. Pregnancy seems to be incompatible with a lot of activities...
After the movie we had lunch and then went shopping. We got a new phone to replace our current one that's malfunctioning and I bought The Village DVD that I watched at night. It does lose a bit of its impact on a second viewing but it's still a great movie.

31.01.2005 (mon) - 8 weeks

I woke up early but was feeling really tired. I eventually got up anyway because the hammering started and it just made me mad to try and sleep with all that noise. I had to repeat the blood test today because the results from the last one were so weird, so I walked to the clinic and then had to wait about an hour to draw blood. I think I'm getting better at it. If I just keep my eyes closed I don't get sick anymore.

I walked back and had some crackers on the way cause I was starting to feel a bit dizzy from lack of food. I had some work waiting for me when I got home but it was fast.
Then I got sleepy again and have been trying to fight it ever since. I just feel like going back to bad but the construction noise makes it impossible.

I had a nap during lunch time and then worked in the afternoon.
I ate almost nothing today because I feel full all the time. I'm starting to doubt if I'll ever get my stomach back to normal.